the feel good drag

Jan 26 ; 8:36 PM

LOOK AT ME. I'm posting two days in a row. Wow, huh? No real blogging going on, considering I don't have time and whenever I do have some time to myself, it's occupied with some things that are, unfortunately, more important than my blog. However, I am making some effort to get on most of the time. c:
I am very paranoid.
My friends are annoying.
I have a midterm tomorrow.
Goodnight. :)

love like rockets

Jan 25 ; 1:07 PM

I've not only been neglecting my blog, but also my friends. The majority of them.
I've just got so much going on, I can't keep up with anything. :(

Ahaha, I almost broke my knee on Friday. I'm on crutches and in a brace for a week, probably. :c
PFFF, I've been boring lately. I hope I'll get motivation to start blogging again. D:

anywhere but here

Dec 22, 2009 ; 5:53 PM

Today was kind of a normal, generic day. I hung out with Maya and Ansleigh at the mall after wrestling practice and it was fun. Nothing really happened of interest, throughout the whole day. It's just been kind of one of those lazy days where everything looks like it's in black and white until you finally realize that the color is right there, all you have to do is look at it. Not just see, but look, acknowledge it.
I feel really tired and bored and negative and weird. I had a really bad stomachache earlier but that went away. I feel like gushing about Robert, but I'm really kind of through with him. I'm sick of going after him like crazy. I'm sick of trying to spark a fire when the friction's not even there. I feel like I'm not doing anything, that all my futile little prods and pulls are just pointless. And I'm very, very short-tempered today. Sarah was getting on my nerves today at wrestling, and I kind of snapped at her because I was so bothered. Going shopping made me feel better for a while, but coming back home made me feel the same again. Like it didn't matter. Apathetic.

I had a friend that sunk into very bad apathy, and I didn't ever know what to do about it. But she got through it. I just hope that that never happens to me, because what she went through was awful. She would tell me about how she'd stay up all night because she was so scared of falling asleep. I can't even imagine what that's like. So fearful, so worried, that you can't even close your eyes and drift?
Well, maybe I can. But not like that, not the way she went through that.

I hear my parents fighting. I can't wait until my dad moves out, January 2nd. Maybe things will get calm, finally, for the first time in years. I don't have too much to say, but I might blog more later.

in the daylight anywhere feels like home.

Dec 21, 2009 ; 7:21 PM

HAHA. A few minutes after I wrote that blog I just decided to write another one. That's greattt, isn't it?
I suppose it's time I let out my feelings about something kind of big in my life. I've been really closed about it. I've told people that it doesn't bother me, when it actually does. It keeps me up at night. It's the type of thing that makes me tap my pencil when I'm doing my homework, it makes me act like a bitch to people that I actually like. It's been put off of being on my blog for a while now because I really haven't been as acceptant of it as I need to be. My parents are divorcing because my mom is a drunk. She's an abusive, violent, crazy drunk. And she is my mom.
I'm the only person that I know of that has had her dad whisper in her ear, pointing at her mother: "That's who you DON'T want to be." Has it been hard? Yes. But do people have it worse? Absolutely. So why am I complaining? Because I'm human, because I'm weak, because I'm pathetic. I've known people that have been raped, been stabbed, lost a parent. And here I am bitching and moaning about something stupid as this. Anyways, I just really needed to get out that explanation.

Sometimes I don't even understand the only static that I've known, and that's myself. I completely fail to understand why I do the things I do sometimes, while other times I understand them fully. I take that back. I'm not static. I'm always changing. I'm always accommodating myself to fit other people. It's kind of like I'm a piece of clay, and all of my friends are molds. Every time I see or talk to anybody I like, and even dislike, I change to fit their needs. "Tina, you're the greatest friend," I've been told. Well what if I don't want to be the greatest friend? What if I want to have the greatest friend? I know that's extremely selfish, but I would like that for once. But no, I'm the safety net. I'm the person that they come to when everything falls to shit. That type of crap always happens to me. And then I feel so helpless, because I can't help them because I can't do anything about it. And then I feel bad, because I wish that I could, but I know it would only worsen things. Well, I'm pretty sure that paragraph didn't make sense, but I wrote it in kind of a mad fuss of words and letters and punctuation because I just really needed to complain about something. I haven't had a good long rant about that type of stuff in a while, and it feels good to say it somehow.

I'm really excited about this whole "blogging everyday" thing. I think it will be good for me, because a place to get out my feelings sounds like a very relaxing idea. However, I can't promise that I'll blog on the weekdays, since I'm just so damn busy. But expect to see a lot from me for the next two weeks, since I'm on break.

I don't really have anything more to blog about.
Goodnight. (:

hello, blog. long time no see.

Dec 21, 2009 ; 7:08 PM

I'll try to blog everyday. Right now, I'm just tired and lazy.
Nothing has been necessarily bad, just boring. Long and boring, everything.

I guess I'll blog when I'm more inspired.

sectumsempra!

Dec 9, 2009 ; 4:51 PM

I'm sick. And I'm watching Harry Potter.
But I'm not that sick, so I don't understand why my mom won't let me go to wrestling practice tomorrow. God, I really don't know why she won't let me. There's no logical explanation. If I say I can do it, I can do it. And I really have started to love wrestling. There's nothing like the feeling of being on the mat, itching to get that takedown, because you know you can. And she doesn't even realize that I have a tournament next Saturday! And I haven't been to practice all week!
Oh well. I guess I'm just going to have to stick it out. /:

But for now, I'm watching Harry Potter 6. I love this movie. xD Especially the whole Harry & Ginny set up. It makes me smile every time I see how sweet and supportive they are for each other. They're one of my favorite canon pairings.

And once again, I don't have the time/energy to properly blog, so I'm just going to dump some photos here. (:

All photos were found via LoveYourChaos.

please..

Dec 7, 2009 ; 5:46 PM

Please pray for him. Robert was pressured back into Pot and Overdosed yesterday. He had to go to the ER this morning. I am worried beyond belief.

Please. He is okay, but if he fails to resist temptation again he could get seriously hurt.

if you want it

Dec 5, 2009 ; 7:31 PM

Life is good. I wrestle. I eat. I do school work. I sleep. I talk to Sarah. I go to church.
Then there are these times at night, when I'm not quite asleep but not quite awake. In these moments, these instances, every situation that I've ever been wrong, every decision I've made that's been a mistake, seems to haunt me. It's like they tear apart at my thoughts, pushing and pulling until they sink in when my defenses are weak. It's the most infuriating feeling I've ever experienced, not only because it makes me feel helpless, but also because it makes me so goddamn unconfident. It makes me feel like I don't have a use in the world. Another common thought that seems to find its way into my head in these moments is what happened between he and I. Sure, I could've stopped the awkwardness. Sure, I could've held off my feelings before I was sure he would reciprocate. But this image of him, holding my hand... I could practically feel his skin against my palm. And I want it, I want it so badly. But then I remind myself, he's not worth it. He's not worth it.
For some reason, I always want to convince myself otherwise.

I don't have time to blog. So everything's going to be short from now on, until I actually have a break.

this is the end, if you want it.

Nov 30, 2009 ; 8:03 PM

I met the devil and I stared her in the eyes
Her hair had scales like silver serpents
I a statue, stood there mesmerized

I took the fire escape and made it out alive
Yeah I still burn from time to time but I've
a healing hand against my side

Relient K is just too damn good. That song made me cry the first time I listened to it. Now I can't stop thinking about it.
So whatever he and I had, it's over, but I'm okay. I really don't care about it. If it really was meant to be, what was supposed to happen, it would've happened. But it didn't. So I'm not going to worry about it. One of the lines of the song I'm talking about really caught me.

You're not the first thing in my life I've loved and lost.

Anyways, I don't have too much time to blog. I'm so busy these days. All I have time for is school, wrestling, homework, dinner. I need to make more time, but it'll have to wait until this Christmas Musical is over. But I really had something I wanted to blog about, that I think people will relate to. Well, some people, not all.

I'm always second to somebody. Somebody always does better than me, somebody always one-ups me. One day I'd like to be number one. Wow, I sound like a shallow bitch. But you know what? I don't care. I really don't. I just want somebody to tell me I did the best. Because to be honest, I've never been told that to my memory. Not even once. Maybe I'm just awful at everything. Maybe I'm just dysfunctional, and everybody secretly hates me behind my back. That's what I always think, anyways. Even though Sarah convinces me otherwise, she's the only one I can trust these days. Her, Ayaka, and Reggie. My best friends. I really don't know what I'd do without them. They make me feel like I matter when I'm sad. And they make me laugh when I feel like punching walls. Their effect on me is just immediate. All of them put a smile on my face. But does anybody else feel like they're always second? Or is that just me, being weird and thinking oddly, like normal? Is it really normal?

I've been convincing myself that I'm worthwhile
Cause I'm worth what I'll convince myself to be

Maybe it's a self-confidence problem? Maybe I need to think more highly of myself?
Gah, who knows.

Homework time. clicky.(:

ups and downs.

Nov 28, 2009 ; 9:31 PM

I don't feel like blogging, so I'm just going to post beautiful pictures.
Pictures are copyrighted to their owners, whoever they are. I got most of these off of my friend's tumblr.

Oh, I hope he does.

let your small steps reveal your secrets.

Nov 27, 2009 ; 7:15 AM

Have you ever had dreams -- more specifically, nightmares -- that haunt you, even when you wake up? That follow you around like a shadow everywhere you go? That gnaw away at you until you fall short of breath? Until you can feel your fingers gripping the bottom of your shorts out of anxiety?
Last night, I dreamed I was walking home from school. First of all, this is not in any way normal. I live more than 15 miles away from my school, so I obviously do not walk there. Anyways, I was walking. And walking. Except... I was huge. I was just, fat. In every way possible. Yet I still resembled myself. I was out of breath, sweating, and finally I reached my house. When I walked in through the doorway, my dad was standing in the kitchen, leaning against a counter. The look on his face was... furious. And before I knew it, he was coming at me.
"You fat ass!" He screamed, his hand colliding with my cheek. At this point, I started crying while I slept. He just kept hitting me, kicking me, and all I could do was stand there and stare at him, tears running down a pudgy version of my face. I couldn't resist. He was my dad, what could I do?
With a start, I woke up. All around where my head had been, the pillow was wet with tears. I was so startled, I could barely catch my breath. Ever since that dream I had last night, I keep on... I keep on fearing my weight. What if I get fat like that? Would my dad do that? Of course he wouldn't. But I'd still be so scared. Maybe I should be on a diet. I mean, I am short, and I am.. larger than most girls on my wrestling team. I don't even know what to do. All I know is that that really scared me, and I don't want to become that.

Anyways, Thanksgiving was good. We went over to Patty & Tom's house (my mom's friends) and ate so much. I felt like I was going to explode after I ate all of that. However, there was kind of some drama. My mom and dad kept on stabbing out at each other through dinner. They would just say random, awful comments. They would give each other nasty looks. It was awful. It makes me wonder... do all relationships end up like this? I really hope not. I really, really, do. When I see old couples together, touristing here from the mainland, I know that they don't all end, that they can survive. But will it happen to me? Who knows. All I know is that I want to end up like that, one day, in that distant future of mine.
Wrestling practice was mediocre for me. I was paired with the girl captain of our team, who is on Team Hawaii. So, of course, she's really good. At first I was pretty nervous. As we got into our groove, I found that I could actually resist her. She didn't slam me right away. Of course, she did eventually. I mean, really. This has been my first time on a wrestling team. And yet, I managed to somewhat stop her. It felt great to think that I might be good at something, for once.

Tomorrow I'm going to go see New Moon with Lahela and Kiana. I'm really excited, because it'll be a blast to make fun of the movie. I mean, come on. The movies are just awful.
When Robert Pattinson comes on screen, I plan on asking really loudly if that is Cedric.

Life definitely isn't bad right now, despite the things happening to me. I just hope I can keep this up for a bit longer.

are you where you think you should be?

Nov 26, 2009 ; 10:50 AM

This would be my first blog. Great.
My name is Tina, and I'm an aspiring person. I have hopes, dreams, plans, and goals. I only hope that you don't judge me based on what I say here, but the way I act towards you.
I'm going to start of my first blog with a story. I go to a youth group at my church. It's filled with marvelous people. It makes me feel so at home whenever I'm there. Recently, I really started to like a guy that went to my Youth Group. So we started talking on the phone a lot. Of course, this is typical of lots of friendships. You talk on the phone, hang out, whatever, right? Well, I don't know how I thought this, but I really did think he liked me. He said things, he acted around me differently, he was just... he flirted with me. A lot. So yesterday, I was talking to him on the phone. We were both saying that we liked people. I got pretty excited, thinking he liked me. So I told him I wanted to guess who he liked. Pretty stupid, wasn't it?
I started off by asking him, "Does she go to our church?"
"Mhmm," he said. I felt that jolt of butterflies in my stomach.
"Does she have brown hair?" I asked, crossing my fingers behind my back.
"Yes, she does." I smiled, thinking how great this was working out.
"Does she have braces?"
"Yup."
I could feel my heart jumping. I proceeded to, basically, tell him that I liked him. I didn't say it straight out, but it was pretty obvious. "Oh," was all he said. "I like Casey."
How could I have been so STUPID? I just went and assumed that since I liked him, he liked me back. It made me so angry. It was awkward for the rest of the phone conversation. I ruined something that could've been really great.
More bad news, my parents are getting divorced. They say that once we move to California in the summer, they're going to just break it off. When my dad told me, he was crying. It made my heart break to see how much it hurt him. Why it's over is definitely a long story, which I might write later if I have the time. For now, I don't really feel like writing that much.

P.S. Amanda and Cassie make me smile.
P.P.S. Vae is a funny girl. (: